Guest Blogger Maureen Lynas: If You’re Incompetent And You Know It Clap Your Hands.

Part Two of a series
Read Part One - Writerly Incompetence Can Be Cured

Noooo! by Fabbio

David Attenborough would probably describe the cry of the Lesser-spotted Red-faced Author as a wail, commonly preceded by a thump on the doormat or a ping in the inbox. It goes something like this –

NooooooooooOOOOOOOOooooooooo!

Two types of behaviour have been noted following this cry. It isn't known why some Authors exhibit the first and some the second. It could be nature. It could be nurture.

The first is a slump, possibly involving a wall to slide down and a floor to land on.

Thanks to Zygman for the image

The second is more violent involving throwing, thumping, stamping and usually punctuated with expletives.

At an early stage in their development, Lesser-spotted Red-faced Authors begin to flock together, forming

Collectives of Conscious Incompetence.

These authors know what it is that they don't know.

Or they think they do (they may only have scratched the surface of what they don't know. They may not have read How Not to write a Novel yet.)

At this point the cries of the Lesser-spotted Red-faced Author changes. The cries become longer, they contain words but often spoken so quickly as to be almost unintelligible.

I have to learn WHAT? HOWMUCH? REALLY?!?

But won't the editor check the spelling/grammar/punctuation? Isn't that their job? What do they do for their money?

Is the protagonist the goody or the baddy or is that the antagonist and what's an archetype?

What's a metaphor/simile/analogy and how do I know if I've mixed them?

What's wrong with stereotypes because isn't everyone a bit of a stereotype really, you know, like, whatever?

But why can't I use adverbs sneakily.

What do you mean, pace? What do you mean, structure? What do you mean, plot?

Sew speling is importent? Reely?

Eventually, as the Authors tire they often sob, 'Why won't someone just tell me how to do it and I'll do it!'

This is the moment in their development when Lesser-spotted Red-faced Author's can often be observed clustering together on courses. A flock of wannabes, a swarm of hopefuls - A pride before the fall.

Or they frequent the local bookshop or library (we don't have time for the destruction of habitat discussion here, unfortunately.) searching for the short cut to publication -

The How To Book!
The Writers Journey, Seven basic Plots, On Writing etc etc etc.

OR they scour the internet for

The How To Video!



See - Hero with a Thousand Faces, Joseph Campbell

Now, instead of writing, the hungry Lesser-spotted Red-faced Authors devour the hints, the tips, the gems that drop from the pens of that rare breed - the masters – the Greater-spotted Authors.

They learn how these superior beings plot, structure, create huggable protagonists and antagonists worth boooooing. They are in awe of their ability to create laughter and tears, to tell a gripping tale, to leave the ideas of their books in the minds of readers, long after the book has been closed.

'Ah!' they cry, 'Almond does it this way! Then I shall do it this way, for this is the way!'

Then.

'But no! Rowling does it this way,' they cry. 'I must follow the path of Rowling. For indeed this must be the way.'

'But lo! What is this I see? Donaldson does it this way and it is neither the Almond Way nor the Rowling Way. It is – ANOTHER WAY!'

And the cry now becomes, 'Aaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrggggggghhhhhhh!'

But as the sound dies away a whisper can heard, a scary whisper, a challenge of a whisper. It goes like this- 'Maybe, just maybe, in order for each Lesser-spotted Red-faced Author to transform into a Greater-spotted Author they have to find – THEIR OWN WAY!

Some Lesser-spotted Red-faced Authors never recover from hearing this whisper. The challenge is too great. They've invested years in being a Lesser-spotted Red-faced Author, but they turn away from all of the paths and take up knitting fingerless gloves for nanowrimo victims. They vow never to pick up a keyboard again. The work goes in the drawer, the cupboard, the attic where it lurks.

The few who remain often experience shock, indecision, nightmares. They worry over their writing, they pull it to bits, pay for critiques, join crit groups, analyse, analyse, analyse. They despair of ever finding THEIR OWN WAY. They hate having to find THEIR OWN WAY. They peck and peck and peck at their work until they have lost sight of why they were writing in the first place.

And then, they get a bit of feedback. From a Plumed Publisher or a Masked Agent.

On the twelfth day of Christmas an agent said to me-

My, you have potential
BUT
Twelve tales of telling!
Eleven kids a-cursing!
Ten metaphors mixing
Nine drafts is nothing
Eight edits later
Seven plots a-pacing
Six super similies
Five stereotypes!
Tut tut.
Four pigs - too many
Three's just right
Two's not enough
and your hero should solve his own problems.

Encouraged by this show of interest our desperate Lesser-spotted Red-faced Authors check their abilities against How Not to Write Novel and discover that, joy of joys, they have actually learnt something about writing, because they can go, I don't do that, don't do that, don't do that, definitely don't do that, oops, maybe I do that, don’t do that. Yay!

This is a time of celebration for the persistent Lesser-spotted Red-faced Authors. The cry goes up, 'I'm not as incompetent as I thought I was!!!!! Hurrah!'

They have realised they have created Stephen King's writer's toolbox. And having a full toolbox is excellent. It should be celebrated, polished, exhibited.

But a chisel is just a chisel. A hammer is just a hammer. A Black and Decker Cordless Compact Chainsaw is just a Black and Decker Cordless Compact Chainsaw. As every worker probably gets sick of being reminded, it's what you do with your Black and Decker Cordless Compact Chainsaw that matters.

Coming soon – I’m so flippin' competent, I'm not even thinking about it!

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

Maureen

Maureen Lynas is an ex-teacher and literacy consultant who believes that with a bit more work and a load more willpower, resolve, fortitude, doggedness, tenacity, persistence, diligence, grit and determination, she will eventually win a publishing deal for Boggarty Bog’s Tasty Teeth. Or Kissy Wissy. Or Hatty’s Splendiferous Hats. Or one of the many other stories in her ‘finished’ folder. Maureen is currently feeding her writing obsession by associating with members of SCBWI British Isles and has taken on the role of North East Regional Advisor. You can see Maureen’s reading scheme at the Action Words website

Read part 3 - Happy New Competence 

The Fine Art of Procrastination

By Teri Terry

Procrastinate
Verb
DELAY, put off doing something, postpone action, defer action, be dilatory, use delaying tactics, stall, temporize, drag’s one feet/heels, take one’s time, play for time, play a waiting game…
(Mac desktop Thesaurus)

I once bought a book called ‘The Procrastinator’s Guide to Success’, but I never got around to reading it. This sounds a good opening line, but it is actually true! After many dusty years, ignored on my book shelf, it was sold in a garage sale (UK translation: like a car boot, but it takes place, surprisingly enough, in your garage).

So you might think that this writing game might be tricky for me. There are no deadlines, other than self-imposed; no demanding boss, other than my conscience; no co-workers watching if I spend the day on social networking sites instead of MS Word, though Facebook friends sometimes help with a welcome kick.

And it is true that some days I will go to lengths to keep away from the blank page.

Like polishing my collection of ducks:

Or cleaning lime scale off all the pots and pans (with a heated solution of vinegar – it works a treat, just don’t breathe in):

Once, I even gave Banrock a bath:

I don’t believe in Writer’s Block. Everyone who writes has days when they stare at a blank page for hours, and the list of reasons why can be individual, and longer than a novel.

In the past I was very hard on myself when I didn’t get on with it. I’d lecture myself about how lucky I was to be able to work part time so I could write, and write I was going to… whether I wanted to, or not.

But somewhere along the way: I had a light-bulb moment! Procrastination isn’t always what it appears to be….

Much of the time when I can’t convince myself to get on with it, there is a reason. Something is wrong with what I am writing, and if I ignore this and push on regardless, it is a bad idea.

It is usually due to one of these:

• I haven't been listening to one of my characters, and they're getting stroppy
• I've started off on some tangent that has nothing to do with my story
• there is something seriously wrong with my plot, and surgery is required

Or even:

• I've gone off on a tangent, and it is better! And I need to stop, reassess, and rewrite the rest to match

And taking time to polish the ducks, scrub the pots, or even put an unfortunate bunny through the delicate cycle while I think about it, is time well spent. Otherwise it may not be just a few pages or chapters that are heading for my ‘cut’ file, but much, much more. And who needs that kind of pain?

Taking time to think is not procrastination.

Scott Westerfeld on what Steampunk is and why it would be cool to have illustrated novels

Illustration from Leviathan
by Keith Thompson - view
more art from the books
or buy artwork

By Candy Gourlay

I'm kinda late to this Ustream discussion with YA/sci fi author Scott Westerfield answering questions live but I found the discussion so fascinating I thought I should share it on the blog.

I've been following Scott Westerfeld since I read his Uglies  trilogy (which has four books) and the Midnighters (my all time favourite Scott Westerfeld trilogy). Recently he came up with Leviathan, a new trilogy in the burgeoning Steampunk genre. Here's a video of Scott explaining why he thought it would be cool to get Leviathan illustrated ... and what Steampunk is all about.


If you're reading this blog post on Facebook and can't see the video. View it here

It's an hour long - but the first bit is all about why he wanted Leviathan to be illustrated - with a fascinating mini history of how illustrated novels used to be the default. Personally, I would have wanted even MORE illustrations in Leviathan ... but then I'm greedy like that. Anyway - the video is worth watching if you're writing fantasy and need something inspirational about world-building.

Take away quote from Scott Westerfeld:

People are always saying they want something new. What they really mean is they want something that looks familiar but with a twist that they hadn't thought of before.

Sorry the quote might not be precise because I couldn't get the video to replay it!

Speaking of Steampunk and illustration: I would love, love, LOVE it if Mortal Engines by Philip Reeve were re-issued as illustrated books (not graphic novels - proper illustrations please!) ... and as a hardback set (I borrow Mortal Engines from the library ... but I'd like to own it in hardback). Are you listening, Mortal Engines publishers?